A Farewell To My Beloved

Even though I managed to overcome my grief eventually, it was immensely tough at the beginning. The toughest was the first six months. Inside of me I felt completely numb. At the very pits of my being I felt aches and pain which was indescribable. Its a very mixed feelings of loss, longing, misgivings and endless yearnings which would leave me breathless and suffocated, with physical pains which left me totally fatigued. Living became mechanical. With people around, even family members I was feeling neither here nor there. Food became tasteless and as a result I lost 10 kilos in two weeks. Continuing to look after his garden became my life line. Whats left of my passion for life I put into my gardening because he loved his garden. At one point it became really bad that I had to seek a psychatric advice from a friend of my brother, Dr Zahari Ngah, who is a consultant in London. This psychatrist friend diagnosed meas suffering from panic attacks as a result of depression over the loss. After a few weeks of medication, I began to function normally well enough to reattend my religious and Quranic language classes and could find joy in gardening. I sometimes and still do wonder if it is the other way around, would he be missing me that much? Will he suffer as I have suffered?  Knowing man, I honestly doubt it. It is the women left behind by the husbands that suffer the most. I suppose it is in the nature of things. I asked my friends with similar situations and the answer is all the same. The aches are still there deep down. Dato Rahmah Jamaluddin, who lost her husband 22 years ago said that the feeling is as though her husband  'only left yesterday'. Datin Asiah Ibrahim,  another close friend, also said the same thing but consolingly said that it got better with time. So it is the process that we have got to through and the differenceis only in the degree and the depth of the pain and thus the healing process and the healing periods may differ.