changing times

Long time no post. Been feeling rather passive even before the fasting month. Time passes by so fast, its already November 2009. The year is ending soon. Feelings have not been very stable with friends especially. Am trying very hard to detach myself from old emotions. Things are no longer the same, that I have to fully acknowledge. Things cannot remain the same at all times, things are bound to change, sad as much as they are but I have to accept changes...... 

Down with dengue(6thJune-19thJune)

I never suspected that I was having dengue that Saturday night before we had our family dinner and I had cooked a special dish of Mee Jawa for the boys and their families. I suddenly felt so sick, with hi fever and body aching. I was getting more sick for the next 5days never suspected anything more than just an ordinary viral infection. My maid was down too. I refrained from going to the hospital because I knew it would be difficult for my husband to visit me in the hospital. By  Wednesday things were not improving so I telephoned Asrul, my eldest son, to take me to the emergency unit at the Damansara Specialist Hospital because I could no longer eat or get up or sit up other than the necessary chores of having to go to the toilets.

After the blood test which confirmed that my blood platelets were at 56,(normal range was 150-450), I was given drips and  warded at the hospital for five days. My blood platelet went down further to 39 and it was then confirmed I had dengue.

I would wish it on no one, this dengue thing. It was an awefull experience of hi fever, body pains, stomach pains and terrible headaches and worse of the lethargy and extreme fatigues , which I found to be so unbearable.

With several bags of drips, I slowly became well again. Now my blood platelets is at 317. I thank ALLAH for being well again. 

Surviving the hot weather

The weather is still hot. Its been more than three weeks now. It helps when I stay indoors most of the time, except when it is exceptional necessary to go out like going to classes. I try to draw in the curtains most of the time so that it indoors remain cool and at night  to have the lights on only in rooms where there are people. I also make sure the doors of the rooms not occupied to be open so that there is better air circulation. I am thinking of rolling up the carpets, maybe it will further help to cool the room. The marble floors are very cooling and maybe without the carpets the cooling floors can help further cool the room.

need to have a good sleep

I have always been what they say an owl, where sleep pattern is concerned. From 8 pm onwards I will be very alert and find it so difficult to sleep by midnight. I need to wake up early as I have classes to attend by 9 am on most days. I find that I am tired and still so sleepy by that time. So I am trying very hard to sleep earlier than 11 pm so that I will be alert by the time I am in class. For the last 4 nights I have tried following the advice of  friends. I had hot cocoa by 8.30 pm, and read a few relaxing exercises and read a boring recipe book! Surprisingly it worked! unbelievable!

Its a good feeling I have now at the beginning of the day.

Need to have good sleep

Surviving the hot weather

For more than a week now the weather has been very warm. I can feel my skin burning when I am out in the open. Even in the car the air is warm even when the airconditioning is on. 

I feel there is a kind of restlessness when the air is like this. I cannot really rest in the afternoons. Trying to concentrate is very difficult.

I find that it helps when I have the curtains drawn and the windows closed, so the hot air is kept outside. Just have the fans on and just do easy chores. Wearing light clothings also help. And of course drink a lot of water and just stay indoors as much as possible.

I also just do light exercises such as stretching  and walking on the spot. If I do walking on the treadmill I find that I feel very tired after that. If I just do stretchings, I find that I feel more refreshed.

I also find that when I drink warm water rather than cold water, I find that I feel better after the drink. If I drink ice cold water  if I want to pacify my thirst, I find that  I feel a bit of discomfort after the drink and the discomfort remains for a long time. Warm lemon tea is the best of all drinks.

DILEMA OF OLD AGE

Growing old is both sad and happy but mostly sad I feel. There are so many things still that you feel you need and want to do, yet you know deep down that your have very limited time to do it. Reviewing the things that you had hoped to accomplish when you were younger, and realising that you have actually done very little, or some of it only, you cannot help but feel sad that you may not have the time anymore to do it.

For example, when I was younger, I had wanted to be a writer. I bought books on how to write. I used to do some writing on my own. Somehow it got subothaged and it did not take off at all. The yearning is still there but the will  is gone.

I remember also I wanted so much to do a patch-work bed cover. I used to collect bags full of material remnants planning  that one day I would get to it. I did partly and the rest never got done and recently I threw everything away and thats the end of that dream.

There are still so many books in the house  waiting to be read. I somehow could not find the time to attend to it and they never got read.

On the other hand, I found myself into studying Quranic Arabic and I became so consumed by it that I spend all my waking hours attending to it and I found so much joy out of it. Now I found there are still so much to learn about it to fully understand the real MEANINGS of The Book, and I fear that I may not have the time to accomplish it. The language is so beautiful that every time I read I see different meanings in the message. I wished I had started studying it much earlier when I was younger, when my mind was still very alert and concentration was optimum. I am very grateful to Allah for giving me the opportunity. Anyway no regrets here.

At peace with the world

I really feel good today, just follow the flow. I felt so sleepy after the early morning prayer at 6 am and went back to sleep. It was the most amazing deep sleep until 8 am, the time I thought I ordered breakfast. It was a miscommunication and there was no breakfast. Still feeling sleepy I decided just to go back to sleep and also decided not to go to class at 9.30 am. It was again the most amazing deep sleep I had until 10.30am. I got up feeling tremendously  good. Then I had my french toast and coffee, read the newspapers, had a bath, washed my hair and played scrabble. After lunch at 12.30 and prayers at 2pm, I went back to sleep. It was again the best of sleep. Got up at 4pm feeling so much at peace with the world around me. My body just wanted me to listen to it and gave it a total rest. Its amazing!

Reflections of my Umrah in Mekah,21stMarch-28thMarch 2009.

This has been my 8th umrah since 1987, and my 10th visit to Mekah for which I did my Haj in 1981 and 2003. This time round I found it very hard to be at peace with myself and had great difficulty focussing. I did all the rituals as though my heart was not in it. I am trying to think through why this was so.

Maybe age is a factor. At 72, I tend to get tired easily I guess but physically I was not tired, I could do all the tawafs after the early morning prayers. Its so different from the feelings I had when I did the Haj first time in 1981. The moment I arrived in Jeddah, everything was so overwhelming to me that I could feel my soul in every ritual that I did. We arrived at Mekah early dawn and with the mutawif who was waiting for us, my friend, Zaharah and I, did the tawaf, dawn prayer and sai' and we checked in at the our place of stay at the Tabung Haji Building. My heart was already in it and I remained very focussed in every aspect of the Haj Rituals. I could feel the same feelings in all my other visits.

Yet the overwhelming feeling was just not there in my recent umrah. I am feeling sad about it as though something went amiss.

I found Mekah has changed so much. There is massive renovation works on one side of the mosque and very tall apartment buildings and shopping Mall on the other side making the mosque looking rather insignificant. If one stands infront of the Abdul Aziz Door or Door 79, looking at one's right and left , one cannot help but feeling sad. 

The crowd is tremendous. Groups of pilgrims from the Middle East countries were everywhere. They all move in groups and would just push others aside if they are separated from their groups. Apparently most of them feared losing their way around and so they had to stick to their leaders. They seemed to be rushing around together all the time. These are mostly pilgrims from Turkey, Iran, Morocco, Tunisia, Egypt and the other countries in the region. I personally talked to  a few of them, and they said that it was their first time. These rush everywhere, while doing the tawafs or during prayer times is a bit uncomfortable. Why the rush? All the rituals that we did are  for Allah and they should be done in  a smooth fashion with all the discipline and respect for Allah. This is really puzzling to me. Is this the way to behave while paying homage to Him? Rushing and pushing fellow Muslims!

As with times I presume thats the reason telephones and cameras are allowed into the mosque. But I feel the sacredness of the mosque and the holiness in all the rituals that we do is being tampered with. I felt greatly disturbed while praying and listening to the recitations by the Imam when the phone belonging to the lady besides me kept on ringing! She could not answer the phone as she was following the prayer. I also feel my tawafs are affected when fellow muslims either talk on the handphones or clicking away taking photographs! The Tawaf is like a prayer, it has to be done in a serious sober manner with all our hearts and souls focussed as we know Allah is Watching us. It is like we are paying Him a homage and there should not be any distractions!

I was not at all satisfied with the organisation of the umrah for our group. The whole planning was weak. Our going to Medina first via a one night stop at Bahrain and travelling by bus to and from Medinah to Mekah was tiring us. In my previous umrahs we went to Mekah first and we travelled by air to and from Medinah and Mekah. We saved energy that way. The organisation was so poor , eating was always a hassle and group interection was nil. The leader was not a person of her words, she made promises which she did not keep and at the end of the trip she just apologised. Thats it. I pray Allah forgives her her short comings.

This is my fourth day of my return from the umrah and I am feeling still exhausted, physically and spiritually exhausted! I wonder if Allah Grants me another chance of an umrah which is better planned by a better travel agency. I pray for that chance Ya ALLAH.

Back from umrah

Arrived back from Umrah in Mekah on Sunday morning. Never before did I ever feel so exhausted! Could not get up, whole body aching. Want to have a closer look at the trip, why so tiring?

Anxiety over having to leave the comfort zone

Tomorrow morning I shall, God Willing, will venture out with my 2 sisters and a neice and nephew plus their family members, on a small pilgrimage called the Umrah in Mecca. Our journey will first take us to Bahrain because we are travelling by Gulf Air. We will stay overnight at Bahrain. Then from there we will proceed to Jeddah and then on to Medinah. After a few days only we will go to Mecca.

I have been on several umrahs before but cant help feeling anxious somehow. I know from experience travelling to that particular part of the world we never know what to expect. Its never been what we expect in a normal travel. Why this is so I dont know. The whole thing has not changed very much. I was in that part of the world in year 2003. There would be delays and hassles here and there, all man made! I would be really surprised if things have changed for the better.

Talking about venturing out, it always causes anxieties sort of. Ever since I came back from a month long stay in Aberdeen on the 9th of January 2009, I have lived a  very routinised life. I go to Quranic classes in the mornings and teach in the afternoons. This would  also be on Saturdays. I have also established my afternoon and evening routines. Before I teach I would have a short nap listening to the music I bought at Aviemoor in Scotland,  then I would attend to my emails. After that I would exercise on the treadmill for about 40 minutes before I do my yoga while watching my favourite drama on tv3. At night I would play scrabble or read or watch more dramas on television and end up reading the AL Quran before I sleep at midnight. I am beginning to love my routine life and its this interruption thats causing my anxcieties.

I am beginning to love my own company, just loving it to be by myself and loving doing what I do alone. Listening to the music becomes more serene. When I listen to the cds ,tazkirah by ustaz Kariman I could absorb more the essence of what he was saying. When I read the Quran late at night I could sense what beyond what the words are saying  and begin to understand deeper into the meanings of what Allah Means to Say. Alhamdulillah.  I just feel happy to be by myself.

I sincerely hope this umrah would give me a much deeper sense of peace, insyaalah.

A Day Of Blessing- 12.03.09

Whole morning I was waiting for a call from Yana, my grandaughter in Kolej Yayasan Saad in Melaka. Last night she said that she would try to get Kak Ayne's SPM results. By 10.30 I was already anxious and then... Ayne of all people called from Brighton! She gave us the best news of all times. Alhamdulillah, she got the results she dreamed of and prayed for. 9A1s!

It seems like only yesterday when she was 2 years old when I was looking after her in London. How she loved to hear stories read to her. What overwhelmed me was when she was 4+ years old, hen I bought her a book on Dinosiours  at an Oxfam shop, and within a few days she was remembering all the names of the animals, their characteristics and peculiarities!  Even today I marvelled at how she was so passionate about the animals. She would eat and sleep with the book.

Over the years she has become a close best friend. 

I hope by now Ayne, you are not so afraid to sleep in the dark anymore! Embah loves you Ayne. May Allah's Blessings Be with you.

Silence

For weeks now I have been more quiet than usual. I just dont feel like talking unless its very essential. I rather enjoy listening to what others are saying than doing the talking myself. Its not that I am unhappy or anything its just that I dont feel like talking. I hope its just a phase because since I have been the one always doing the talking, and now that I don't much, the place is all of a sudden so quiet. I sensed the quiet atmosphere and I rather enjoy it.

But my mind never stops thinking. About so many things! I sort of missed the active life I used to enjoy which I don't do anymore and sadly I realised that I may never get to do anymore. I used to play golf once or twice a week with lady friends or my husband. My lady friends and I used to play golf at the Glenmarie golf club on wednesday mornings. It was fun and I now missed those fun moments. I used to play 18 hole golf with my husband on Friday mornings and we would end up with lunch of mee curry at the cafe. It was sort of the hi light of the week for us. We stopped playing a year ago. I hurt my elbow then and we never got round to it anymore somehow. Thinking over such missing activities I cannot help but feel sad and I dont feel like talking about sad things somehow.

Oh how I love to travel to far away countries like the ones in the middle east. Now I feel I have enough of middle eastern countries, what with their indescribable public toilets. I dont wish to revisit those places. I don't fancy visiting European countries much  after hearing what they say about discrimination against ladies who cover their heads, the muslim ladies I mean. Being a muslim I have to cover my head, and if I have to subject myself to being discriminated I would rather avoid going there. I used to love visiting the United States of America, especially when my sons were studying there. I enjoyed staying in El Paso and Denver as well as Washington. But with the talk  on disrimination against Muslims, I feel afraid to visit those places. I just enjoy remembering my stay and experiences in the USA. It is  still one of the best places to visit.

Also travelling is such a hassle today. The seats in the planes are so crammed and its always so full, and the foods are so very lousy. My recent trip to Aberdeen on KLM was a case in point. The food served was simply unswallowable! Flights were better in the 70s, 80s and 90s but in the 21st century!!!! 

the passing of a friend, a colleague.

Bakri passed away this morning. With two friends I visited him on Tuesday (today is Thursday) and we sam him in pain. According to his wife Kamariah who was also a colleague, Bakri who has been known to be suffering from Gout, was diagnosed with malignant cancer on the 5th of January. 

He had been going to the doctors for gout treatment until in January Kamariah noticed he began to show signs of weaknesses in the use of his right arm until that 5th morning he was unable even to put in food into his mouth. He had to bring his mouth close to the plate in order for the hand to put food in his mouth. They suspected he was having a stroke. After checking up with his usual doctor he was declared clear. Then it was suggested that he should have a ct scan by a neurologist and the ct scan shows that his cancer has spread to his brain, lungs liver and spleen. And last Saturday the doctors told the family to take him home. He requested to be taken to his son's house at Bukit Jelutong.

He was a very bubly kind of a guy when he was alive. Never failed to say hello whenever we met and never missed to honk his car whenever we passed ech other on the road. An ardent golfer he had many close friends. 

Thats how life is. When your time comes it just happened. May ALLAH BLESS you, Bakri.

The passing of a friend, a colleage.

discovery about the viruses that caused the common colds

Today Dr Patricia Turner of the University of Maryland was interviewed on ABC about the discovery of the virus strains and which could lead to producing  effective medications in combating the problems faced by common cold sufferers. She said it might take 10 years for studies to be completed before medications could be manufactured. I sincerely hope something great will really come out of these researches.

As you know when we  suffer the common cold, we would not be prescribed with any medications by the doctors because they say that no medications can get rid of the viruses of the common colds. So you just suffer through for 3 to 4 days until your bodies are strong enough to fight the viruses. No antibiotics can do anything to the viruses.

I pray that God Will show the scientists the way to many more breakthroughs in our efforts to fight the common colds.

This was the car owned by my grandfather, Tok Muda Ibrahim bin Kesah, after the japanese occupation. I remember riding in the car driven by my grandfather in 1947 when we went to visit my eldest uncle, Datuk Abdullah bin Ibrahim, in Tapah. My uncle was working as an assisstant District officer in Tapah, Perak.

My Grandfather drove the car. My grandmother also came along, so also was my eldest cousin, Ismail. We travelled via the winding roads from Temerloh to Kuala Lumpur and then to Tapah. I cannot remember details of the journey, but I remember feeling so happy to be in the car which was brand new from the United Kingdom.

This car lasted for many years. My grandfather never changed his car. He used it until the cushions were all torn more or less in shreds. It was the only car in the whole village for a long time and one of the few cars in the whole town. The color was black. If you could see the front door knob was in the front of the door, so when you open the door, it would be very easy to slide in  to sit on the front seats. The plate number of the car was C995.

 Going about all over the country in the car were some of the happiest memories of my life. Those were the days.

One enterprising lady

Recently I got into talking with one lady of 65 years old. She was a very smart looking lady with stylish spectacles and a big handbag and pretty shoes and she had a very commanding voice. She was sitting next to me while we were both waiting for our medications at the dispensary of the hospital. Her first question was "are you a pensioner or are you still working?". That was one very diplomatic question which put me at ease immediately. She too admitted that she was a pensioner who used to work in the broadcasting services. No wonder her public image was good.

Before I could answer  her question as to what I was doing with my retirement time, she started telling me what she was doing with her time. I would have guessed that she would be doing some charity work of sort. I did not expect to hear what she said she was doing.

She works full time as a personal driver to a grand daughter of a couple who are both doctors. The grand daughter is just attending pre school at one Chinese school.  Besides driver the girl she also drives the couple to wherever they want to go outside of their office. She wakes up early morning to get ready early to avoid being late as well as the traffic jam. In the afternoon too she waits early for the girl. She works 5 days a week and sometimes on weekends she would drive the grand parents to shopping malls or wherever the destinations of their private visits. Its hard work she said, because she has to be alert and healthy. She only has one or two days of the weekends to do her own things.

During the school holidays she would go on holiday with her Buddhist society. Her last holiday was to India and Thailand and she was caught at the airport  in Bangkok when the protesters took over the airport. They were temporarily put at a hotel and left Thailand on an army flight in a hurry at a very short notice. She and her group really had an adventure of their life!

She was collecting a big bundle of medications from the pharmacy. She told me she had high cholesterol, high sugar level and high uric acid. She too had to take aspirins daily for her heart protection. 

What I admire about this lady is that with all her problems  she just does not just sit at home but work at something different from what she used to do. She was not asking anybody for help. She agreed to work because of a response to a need. Someone needs a lady to drive a small girl around for the sake of ensured security. In the process they developed a bonding and she feels like a member of the family. Someone else in her position would just sit at home nursing the unwellness of self. I like her spirit and her attitude towards life. Thats the way to live.

Moments of truth

On the 28th of January 2009, I had a medical appointment with my cardiologist. Before I saw him I had to do a full blood tests, an heart echo test, and a stress test.  I registered for all those tests at 1.30pm and finally  collected my medications at 5.30pm. It was all a very stressful experience. But I managed to handle my patience.

When I did my stress test after my echo my heart rate was already 120, a bit too high to begin the walking but I insisted on it not wanting to waste time. I managed to do up to stage 3 and my heart rate  reading was 160. I needed to reach  my optimum heart rate of 150, which is 220-71 (my age). So that was ok. But it was not the best of time to be doing any form of exercise.

When I saw the doctor, Dato' Dr Amin Ariff Nuruddin, he told me my blood tests were alright. Praise be to ALLAH. My LDL remained at a controlled level but my HDL was low. I suppose I have to watch my diet and be regular with my exercise regime. I am able to control my LDL because I take Flaxeed oil and BENECOL. My Trigiseleride was low due to the medication I am now taking. The overall cholesterol reading was 5.3 a hi normal. The blood sugar level was ok, kidney and liver functions were also ok. The other readings were good.

What I did not expect was what the doctor told me about my echo test. He said that it shows the beginnings of thickening of the heart muscles due to the blood pressure problems I have been having over the years, its been since 1995. The other reason is age. The other worrying news is my valve is also thickening and there could be a leak. Another worrying thing is my high heart beat rate. I have been feeling rather breathless going up the stairs lately. The doctor said I should not be alarmed by it. How do I go about strengthening my heart muscles  when the reason is age. I have to fully accept the fact that I am growing old, so my heart muscle is also ageing. That is the fact that I have to accept. With ALLAH's Blessings, I hope my heart valve would get stronger with the medications and the exercise regimes I am determined to incoperate  in my life.

I found that the cholesterol medication as well as the medication to lower my heart rate have the side effects of causing muscle pains. I have to be able to suffer through these muscle pains in oder for the medications to have effect. Its not much of a choice.

I can consider myself lucky for having such a blessed life other than those physical problems. I enjoy exercising, I enjoy good food, I enjoy learning The Quranic language, I enjoy teaching it to friends who come by to the house to learn, I ejoy the company of my children and grandchildren, I enjoy listening to music, I enjoy reading, watching television, meeting friends. In other words I enjoy life. I enjoy visiting new places. The best part part of it all I dont feel 71!

politics in the old days,(1957-1983)

This is a photo of my late father, Datuk Awang Ngah Ibrahim, at a function in Temerloh. The year I am not sure. My father is seen seated to the right of the second Prime Minister of Malaysia, Tun Abdul Razak bin Hussein, the gentleman seated in the centre in white attire and with spectacles. 

In the old days politics were much simpler. Aspirations of politicians were different. I am saying this as an observer. Even though my father was involved in politics, I was not. Never had a mind for it.

What I want to share today is in reference to a comment made last Sunday (25th January 2009) in one of the local newspapers about why the UMNO, the United Malay Organisation, the backbone party of The Barisan Nasional, the ruling party of Malaysia, lost in the Trengganu by-election earlier in the month. One of the reasons cited by the writer was the arrogance of the the UMNO campaigners. They were all staying in hotels and they were all busy talking about the coming March party elections. The opposition campaigners on the other hand, were staying with the voters at their homes or friends homes. So they were intimate and I suppose more endearing to the voters. When you eat and pray and sleep together, of course you could get much closer or feel much closer to the voters.

Now I remember during father's time of politics, it was like that. I remember people sleeping at our house, eating our foods, sharing our bathrooms and chit chatting in the living room of our home. I vividly remember one prominent politician from Johor, the late Datuk Syed Jaafar Albar, the late father of our Home MInister, Syed Hamid Albar, one day sleeping at our house. He slept in my father's room. We had only two bedrooms. He ate the foods that my mother cooked. As a small girl I saw him walking to the outside toilet the family shared with his towel over his shoulder. He bathed  in my father's bathroom. He was like a member of the family.

Its the small gestures, the personal gestures which I think the present politicians have forgotten to do. Of course in Temerloh then, there were no hotels! But then in these modern times, if the opposition can still  share those personal moments in the homes of voters, why should we share our times formally in the coffee houses of the hotels?

Raeyn, my second grandson born on 15Jan .

Hi Raeyn, this is a belated happy birthday wish to you. Your 5th birthday was on the 15th of January. Before I left Aberdeen and your family on the 8th of January 2009, I told you that I would give you 5 pound as a birthday present, you asked me then, "EmbahMak ada ke 5 pound tu?" Such an innocent question! When you received the  pound note you put it in a bottle as your mama says you can only buy the present later. You wanted your Papa to to toyserus, a toy shop ,  immediately!

You look real smart in this picture Raeyn. I know you cant wait to be 5 years old! You  were always asking me to play cards with you the moment you see me, just because you just learned how to play cards! You were getting to be smart at it and very observant of the cards that I dont have and then throwing those very cards to make sure I had to get more cards. You were very sporting too, happy to win , at the same time accepting the fact when you lose, by just saying "oh man!"

I enjoyed and cherish the moments when you slept with me cuddling and hugging me close. Before sleep you and Abang Afyq would recite the prayers. Very touching indeed!

I would always cherish the calendar you gave me which you made yourself in school. Its cute when you said you wished you could stay in PJ house  and go to school in Aberdeen. You did say you would like to follow me back to PJ house in Malaysia but you were anxious because EmbahAyah , you said,"he dont like me, always marah2 me"

I pray for God's Blessings for your life and may you grow up to be strong and healthy at heart as well as physically. May you up always to be full of gratitude for God's Blessings in your life. Happy Birthday to you again Raeyn (Lalen).

Growing old gracefully

This morning I visited my oldest aunty, Zaharah, my father's sister, who is today 91 years old. We call her Long. She suffers a weak heart because she has had hi cholesterol for many years and has been on medication for a very long time. A few ago she underwent angioplasty  but the smaller blood vesels, which were blocked could not be attended to. Over the years this has weakened her. The doctor prescribed for her Plavite, a blood thinning medication.

Besides that problem, she is ok. She still walks upright, her eyesight is ok, she can still read the Al Quran and watch the television. She still has appetite to eat. She wears nice clothes. And she enjoys talking about the daily political news. She is very alert as a social critique. 

She enjoys the religious knowledge from the Al Quran and Hadis2. She told me again this morning that she is fearful of death knowing that at her age it would come at any time. I reminded her that death comes at any time to just any of us, as only God knows when our time is up. I asked her why she is afraid of death. She said that it is because she is so afraid that God may not have forgiven her sins. I told her that honestly, everybody is afraid to die. So she is not alone in having that fear. But, maybe its good  for her to be hopeful and optimistic that God will forgive her her sins as long as she continues asking God for forgiveness.

It is so easy to feel  down at heart, and to complain of whatever shortcomings in one's life, especially if one lives alone with just a maid, in a big house but one cannot go upstairs because one can no longer climb the stairs. But then again, I reminded her that at least she is in her own house and having a maid! There are thousands out there who have to live with somebody or at an old folks' home with no one to take care of you.

So I gently ask her to count her blessings everyday, no matter how small the blessings are. She can still walk, pray standing, go to the toilets by herself, bathe herself, put on clothes by herself, can still have sound sleep at night, could still manage to wake up in the early hours of the morning to pray, enjoys eating, reading the Al Quran, watching the news on the television, enjoys her afternoon naps and  watching the beautiful flowers in her garden. Its quite a lot of blessings!

Today I went to IJN to have my blood test and at the lab I met a friend who I have not met for many, many years. She was married to my officer long time ago. Her husband passed away some years ago. 

I knew her as a very enterprising businesswoman. I remember her doing my husband's interior decoration. She was also doing furniture manufacturing. What surprised me this morning is that she was telling me  she is now into farming,  planting bananas,  and other fruits. She was just as enthusiastic as before in her new ventures.

I admire her enthusiasm. I felt tired even thinking about it, not really at my age anyway.

I wonder where she gets her energy! She must be nearly 70 years of age. I wished I could have the same level of energy. She is lucky she has two ladies who are staying with her.

I am sure  her passion for venturing into  new ventures, her optimism make all her ventures.

This photo is of Ayne and I taken on the 9th of December 2008, after we checked in at Kuala Lumpur International Airport on our way to Aberdeen. That was a month ago. Today she has settled down at Bellerbys College, Brighton, and today I am  going back to Malaysia this evening. That is what life is about, one day we are together, the next day we are are no longer together. But the memories stay........Now I am continuing writing this after a week of my return from Aberdeen.

Ayne is 17 years old and cant wait to be 18 to be eligible for a driving license. If only she knows  how stressful driving around nowadays especially if you are the one doing the driving. But of course to her it is the grown up thing!

At 17 she is much, much taller than I am! And she is still growing.

She has always been a very good girl. I feel very blessed to be able to see, experience and share her growing up years as she was brought to our house after her mama's delivery at the hospital. Until she went to a boarding school in Melaka, her family and us (my husband and I) stay under the same roof. I saw her growing up from a baby to a 12 year old completed her primary education at a school near our house.

I remember how when she was  hardly 3 years old, she could memorise the names of all the dinosers  in a book which I bought for her in an Oxfam charity shop.

Ayne is now  studying for her A level at Bellerbys' College. She is  studying  5 subjects. She is a very  ambitious and hard working girl. I pray to God that she has the will power to sustain her ambition and vision in life. I wish her all the best in life.

I miss having her around. I am accepting the fact that at certain point in our life we have to let go. It is easier said, but the feeling of sadness lingers on....

Shida's birthday today-4th January 2009.

Shida is seen in the photo on the right with her husband,my son, Radin Alang Iskandar. ..They have been married for 8 years.  

Today is Shidah's birthday. Happy birthday Shida.

Shida has over the years been very endearing to both , my husband and I. We feel very comfortable with her and do not hesitate whenever we need her to help us in attending to our chores. When we do things together we get closer to one another and somehow the bonding gets stronger.

Shida is a very practical girl. Anything to do with electronics, she is very good. So when my computer modem needs to be changed the first person that comes to mind is Shida. When my husband needed to get fishing gears, she knows where exactly to get them. When my bags got locked with the keys inside, Shida knows how to unlock.

She and my son Alang did'nt mind spending thieir anniversary with us when we went for a holiday at a resort island, north of Malaysia. a place called Perdu. We spent happy times there where she tried her hand at golf. We visited UK together and being a practical girl she compliment my son well with her skill at map reading and we managed to get around without any problems. We never got lost in London during our driving around. After my husband did the cooking, she would be doing all the  cleaning up.

We also in April 2007, toured New Zealand and we had a wonderful time driving around with her reading the map for directions. We shared the tasks of planning the holiday. I did all the accommodation reservations and Sheda the transport and schedule reservations. My husband did all the marketting and we cooked together. When we arrived at a certain place of accommodation she would first read the instructions of utility supplies and fixed the electricity and heater supplies.

She is not the first child in her family but the youngest child but she is so practical and independent. She is a very intelligent girl even though she does not have a degree. and what I noticed is that she is a very dedicated mother. She dots on her two kids, the first a boy of 4years and2 months and a daughter of 10 months. She reads to them , she plays with them and talks with them. She is also a very loving wife and even though she gets disappointed sometimes with her husband who tends to be forgetful, I know deep down , she loves him so.

So Shida, my dear daughter, I love you and a Happy birthday to you. May God Bless you and spare you much  heartaches in life.

what might have been.......if

At certain times of our life we make certain choices and then we live through that choice. I used to wonder  what would have happened if I had made quite another choice.

After  I got my O level Exam results in 1956, I had the choice of studying in the  United kingdom, a State scholarship for a course in Political science at the University of Manchester. The then  Chief Minister of my State, Pahang, in British Malaya then , the late Tun Abdul Razak, told my father, who was then an unofficial member of the state legislative assembly in the same state, that if I graduate in that course I could one day be his political secretary. Neither my father nor me understood the significance of that offer at that time. Maybe my father knew, but he was not telling me because he knew Malaya would in the following year be gaining its independence from the British. He was so fearful of me being so far away alone in a foreign land. So with his insistence partly, I made the choice of doing my A level locally and enrolled myself at Form Six in a school in Seremban, not so far away from home. My father refused for me to go to the Victoria Instition in Kuala Lumpur fearful for me to stay in a boarding school ,  in a big city. So he arranged for me to stay at a family home of a friend of my grandfather in Seremban, disallowing me to stay in a hostel there.

What might have happened if I had made the other choice and studied in England, meeting different sets of people and experiencing a different life?

The other thing is that, from a  very personal reason, I  already had a boyfriend and we were regularly writing. We could still write from wherever. My  eldest uncle, who was serving as the State Secretary, was very keen for me to go. My family had always hoped that me and my eldest cousin would get engaged. He was already studying in Dublin. My father was not serious about it as we were first paternal cousins. Anyway, if I had gone to England, I may not end up married to my present husband.

So there it is , God has a way of Guiding us all  in our life's paths. So I have no regrets, none whatsoever. I am very grateful for what my life is now. I am going to spend every moment of the year 2009 feeling the utmost gratitude for all my life's Blessings from God.

married life of 46 years

My husband and I got married on the 6th of December 1962. We knew each other before this for eight years. I was his junior in the university, in Singapore. We kept ourselves close by writing a lot of love letters to each other. Unfortunately, our love letters got lost in one of our several moving houses over the years. My husband was so good in writing letters. He expressed  his love for me better in letters than he ever could do in person. 

When i was a girl in school I used to silently prayed to God to let me have a good husband, one who is responsible and could take good care of me. Well, God answered my prayers. My husband turned out to be a very responsible person until today.

My husband takes very good care of me. He does all the marketing and buying all the provisions for the family. He even used to buy me clothes and jewellery. Even better he sometimes does the cooking especially when we entertain family members. Earlier in our marriage he even volunteered to pay my income tax and allowed me to keep to myself my salaries. I really feel very blessed with having someone so caring in my life.

As I said God answered my prayer , so He gave me a very responsible man for a life partner. So I cannot expect my man to be other than that. He is  not a  very sociable person and prefers the company of few close friends than a bigger social gatherings. He is rather shy with women and prefers to stay home and allows me to go and travel all over the world with friends. At the moment I am in Aberdeen visiting my daughter and her family while he stays home in Malaysia. He hates long distance travels. We remain in close contact via the phone SMS.

I know I am his only close friend. We play golf together, it used to be often but now mostly just once a week. He shares whatever he reads,(he reads all the serious stuff) and I tell him all about my travel adventures. Most of my friends are becoming his close friends too. We enjoy going out for lunches outside once or twice a week. He attends to his garden while I attend to my painting. I am currently doing oil paintings.

I think what sustain us all these years is that we have learned to accept one another as we are and not have any other expectations of each other. He allows me to be Me and I allow him to be Himself.

I pray that the year 2009 will continue to be agood year for the both of us.

New Year 2009 came in quietly for me. I did my late night prayers alone welcoming it as I am in Aberdeen with my daughter's family and my husband is back at home in Petaling Jaya, Malaysia. Earlier in the night I played two games of scrabble with my two grand daughters. I won one game and lost one. Not bad for a 71 year old grandma. Earlier also I had a series of card games with my 5 year old and my 3 year old grand daughter. I let them both win just to make them happy!

Before we retired for the night and after dinner my daughter and I watched two VDVs, entitled 'The Queen' and "The Firm", two old movies. It was fun and we remenisced  the earlier times when we watched the movie.

This morning woke up at 10.30 in the morning to a quiet cold morning. Just had brunch. 

Got to thinking and wondering what this year, 2009, is going to be like for me?

With the economic downturn, I wonder wether I should continue with my annual travels. I used to visit two countries in a year with my friends. The initial plans were we are going to do our small pilgrimage to Mecca in March and then to South Korea in May. In total I may have to spend about$3,000/. If I postpone the travels to better times I can save that money for better use. I have to seriously reconsider the decision.

I also hope I shall be doing much more teaching of the Quranic Arabic language to my friends and family members. Currently I have about 10 students which I do every afternoon, for six days a week. Mornings I devote to attending classes to enhance my understanding of the Quran.

I have for one year neglected my painting hobby. Maybe Ishould devote sometime to my oil paintings again. For one whole year I have neglected my golf , a game I used to play with my husband once a week. I stopped because I hurt my elbow. Its now healed, and maybe I can go back to it. For some months now I have stopped seriously exercising, doing the the treadmill and stuff. May be I should start doing the exercises again. I just have been doing yoga 5 times a week and for the last 3 weeks I have stopped even that.

Thats a lot of resolutions and wonderings!