My very own passion in life

The Quranic verses have become my constant companion in life nowadays. I would mentally read the verses whenever I am driving, or when I am gardening, or when I am looking at the sky or the clouds out of my window. When I was in New York walking down the streets or having my coffee at the Starbucks and not surfing the internet on my phone, I would memorise the Surah ArRahman mentally while my eyes were observing the people walking outside. Sometimes I feel I am wierd but that habit does not really bother me. It rather makes me happy and sometimes high. Arabic Language has two aspects which could be very challenging mentally and that is the configuration of the verbs and the grammatical nuances. Mastery of the verb configuration could be very difficult and frightening. Many give up learning the subject because of fear of it. The wonderful part of it is that once you crystalise the patterns, the fear just dissipates. With me the understanding of the puzzles came one day like a bang bang boom after years of plodding through what could not make sense at all. It happened at the point when I was about to give up. I bought and read through most of the grammar books recommended by friends. I joined a number of discussion groups of friends who are really good in the language. I put aside my ego and shyness and openly admitted my need of help. I strongly believed that God must have listened to my prayers for enlightenment. Once the understanding came like a bang like that I held on to it closely to my heart. Even today I would be mentally conjucating and configuring Arabic verbs and grammar just like I do in memorising the Quranic verses. This passion and committment has helped me tremendously during my earlier grieving moments. I am ever so grateful for those crazy and difficult years of hanging on. My beloved husband knew of my passion for the Arabic verbs and he used to make fun of me saying ' you and your qala and qalu' which means ' he has said and they have said'. Even at the point of writing this I am still as fascinated as I was at the beginning of my relationship with the language.

My very own passion in life.

Besides going to classes three times a week, I also spend time sharing whatever little knowledge I have of the Quran with my daughter, my sisters and my friends. On Mondays I spend time with my former University mates, Yun, Asiah and Marina. On Monday and Wednesday afternoons I have sharings with my sister, Hapsah and Zainun and my daughter Ayu. On Friday mornings I spend two hours with my former student Hanem. My classes are on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday mornings. All these sessions fill up my weekdays. On Saturdays and Sundays I tend to my personal requirements. On top of all these I am trying to memorise certain surahs and verses which is going on a very slow pace. I am in no hurry quite happy if I could memorise just a few words a day which I would go over in my head whenever I am not attending to anything in particular. I do not put any specific targets nor do I have any specific expectations. So there is no pressure there. Each night before I sleep I would make it a point to memorise verses until I fall asleep. How I approach my memorisation is by repeating six times, until I remember. I would then also write down on pieces of paper verses I have successfully memorised. I would then read the verses in my prayers.

My very own passion in life

After my confinement of 4 months and 10 days' period was over, I continued my Quranic language classes three days a week. At this point of time my mastery of the grammar has slightly advanced and the joy and passion for the subject has deepened. I just cannot begin to put into words the joy I feel each time I read any verse in the Holy Book. The ustaz who I am learning from is now spending more time doing analysing the sentence structures, delving into word nuisances, giving deeper and various shades of meanings of the verses in the Holy Book. Thats why I cannot begin to understand why some people for instance can say that verses 2:102, 3:31, and 12:4 could be used to charm the husbands when the real meanings have nothing to do with what it is said to be doing. Take for instance verse 3:31. In this verse Allah said to Prophet Mohammed, ' tell them oh Mohammed, if you love Allah, so you follow me, Allah will always love you and will always forgive all your sins and Allah is all Forgiving and all Loving.' So where is the meaning of God trying to tell women how to subjugate their husbands. I feel that The more I studied the more enlightened I am and yet I am fully aware of the fact that no human soul could or would possiblly be able to fully fathom Allah' real meanings of his Words in the Holy Book. Every letter, every word, every phrase and every verse is especially placed and arranged for reasons only He knows. We humans could only attempt to begin to understand rightly or wrongly. Thats the best we could ever attempt to do. The least that we humans could do is to master the basic grammar. Thats a big challenge already for anybody. To me, attempting to meet that basic challenge is already all consuming. That all consuming nature in the study of the Quranic language has had that calmimg effect on my griefs and loneliness for my beloved husband since his passing.  It acts like a balm to my grieving soul. Understanding the Al Quran and getting close to my Creator slowly has the effect of making me accept the reality of life and death. Never for a moment did I ever doubted Allah' s Will in this. At the same time I could neither deny my missing him so as well as the real aches I feel in my heart for him. But through my studying the Holy Book and understanding the message in it, the aches in my heart began to slowly heal. Now it gets better everyday. I sincerely thank Allah for His continious Guidance and not abandoning me during my moments of doubts and confusion. 

Getting to know my new friend, The Computer.

To edit my husband's book I need to know how to use the computer. I could not allow myself to depend on the type writer as he did when he was writing his memoir. Fortunately for me I had learned how to use the computer, which I assume that most people of my age think that the computer is difficult to master as it is suitable only for the young. I was once in that group. Only my grand daughter, Ayne, managed to lure me into growing to get close to it. I must say she was so patient with me. She detailed the steps from the beginning like no.1 press 'o' for power, then no 2, press the mouse at Safari and so on and on until you are ready to start writing your e mails and have them sent. She wrote down the steps on a piece of paper and then watched while I followed the steps written by her. That first stage was full of apprehension and exhilaration. The feeling of achievement was like the feeling after your baby was  out of your body when she or he was born. What was needed I suppose was an acceptance on my part that I could not be too proud to learn from my grand daughter and to acknowledge that to the young people, like her, the computer was a fun thing with which they could relate to as a matter of fact in life. Even today my 10 year old grandson, Raeyn, knows what to do with his I Pad more than I know what to do with mine. 

So when I was editing the book, writing letters to the various people in the publishing business, I was actually feeling high. I felt young again. I felt like a professional. There were letters to write and people to contact. I contacted constantly a few friends like Tan Sri Raymond Navaratnam, spoke to Tun Hanif Omar, Tan Sri Rama Iyer and Miss Wong Radin's former secretary. Having to do so many things, I no longer felt so lonely as I would have been if I was to be doing nothing but thinking and missing him. My mind became totally focused on the project and with Ayne and Ezryn we single handedly managed the whole project with only ocassional consultations with my sons and daughter and much later with Eleanor, our book designer. It took us a year to do it from the very beginning to the moment of having the books in boxes ready for the bookshops. There were moments of joy, moments of sadness, moments of pride, moments of gratitude, and moments of humility because every moment we spent on the book were moments of special dedication to our beloved and a very dear person in our lives. It was very plain to us that the three of us were grieving the loss in our very own way. Especially so when the three of us together we spent the last few days and the last few hours with him in the hospital and we read the 'Yassin' together to him. At the end of it all it was our loving committment to get the book out by December 2011, that gave us the strength to see it through. 

Moving on

When my beloved husband passed on I thought my life has come to an end. I had had such such a dependent life on him. He took care of everything, personal and non personal stuff. I had imagined a very lonely life without him. No social life what so ever. My three boys have moved out and living in their own homes with their families. My daughter, Ayu and her husband Zarof, were living in Aberdeen just before he fell ill and they were planning to live on their own too when they were returning and he was already ill in hospital. So I thought after his demise they would still pursue their plan. Fortunately for me not so much for them maybe, Zarof agreed to stay on in the house with me.

Then Ezryn, our second grand daughter, chose to sleep with me. Ayne our first grand daughter who was waiting to go to University College London, also became my room mate. I was not feeling so lonely as I thought at the beginning. And now since both have left home, my two younger grand children, Raeyn and Fytri, are my room mates. Ezryn left to pursue a Mathematical Science course in the International Islamic University in Kuantan and Ayne is in London doing her 3rd year Medical course. So I am still not so lonely as I thought I would be.

At the beginning I had to observe the staying at home period for 4 months and 10 days after his passing. That is prescribed in the Holy Book, The Al Quran. God Knows best. I never would have thought that if I was confined like that life would and could be so reflective and calming to the soul. Thats why I said God Knows best. I spent the time welcoming friends who visited me to extend their condolences. I sincerely felt I would have welcomed more friends. The more I shared my feelings of loss the better I felt. I either broke down after they had visited or during the visits but either times the breaking down made me feel better and better. It was during one visit by our old friend, Dorian Ball, that started the change. Dorian was closely working with my husband over Diana, the shipwreck project. He was a real gentleman conveying his condolence in a very dignified manner yet very personal. We then talked about my husband'scontributions to the service and all the other stuff. I then remembered the memoir that my husband wrote and kept in the drawer of his writing table somewhere. Dorian practically jumped out of his chair and managed to get a promise out of me to post to him the manuscript. We both agreed that before we started planning anything, we had at least to read it and see whether its a readable piece. I related to Dorian how my husband was writing the book and I choked and broke down. But again that was a good thing. It made me feel better.

Soon then I was busy looking for the manuscript and rearranging them with the help of Ayne and Ezryn, we managed to type into the computer. That two weeks' process kept me busy and the feeling of loneliness took a different shape.

Reading through while typing, I was reliving through my life with him all over again. It was like watching a movie. There were of course very sad moments. At the same time there was this feeling of gratitude and joy realising that I was actually his love of a lifetime which I had not imagined was there in him. It was like a kind of his life dedication of love for me as being unfolded through his work and service as he wanted so much that I should be proud of him. Maybe I had imagined that, but that was the effect the writings in the manuscripts had on me. So much so I felt sad yet happy and grateful at the same time. To me those retyping days were good grieving moments for me and made me emotionally stronger. I then had the manuscripts sent over to Dorian and he in turn sent it to his friend,Steven, in Australia. The three of us agreed that the piece was worth publishing.

I was then busy contacting the publishing houses. That was a very trying process because each one of them had their rules and conditions. After contacting one printing firm recommended by Sharon, my sister in law, my children and I decided to publish it ourselves through our very own family holding company, the R Soenarno Holding Company Sdn Bhd. With the help of Eleanor, Zarof's niece, we managed to get the design and the release from the National Library. Then we had to launch the book. I was again kept busy. With luck we managed to get the honour of our dear old friend, Tun Ahmad Sarji bin Abdul Hamid, Chairman of PNB, to launch the book. Among the guests who we invited to the launch were a group of my former students from Sekolah Alam Shah, Cheras, and The Tengku Kursiah College. That occassion started my relationship with my former students ever since then these relationships have made my life ever so interesting and fun.

Dinner with my former Alam Shah Students

On the 29th of November 2013, a few of my students organised a dinner meet at the Petroleum Club Tower 2, hosted by Dato Abdullah who is secretaryof the club. The venue was beautiful. When I took the lift passing through 2 security checks alone by myself, I had a good feeling I was going to have fun that night. 11 students came for the dinner, a few could not make it as they have prior arrangements for something. This group of students and I meet for lunches once in 3 or 4 months at different venues with one of them sponsoring. Next year insya Allah we agree to go dutch.

That night, Tan Sri Halil and Nabihah, Tan Sri Shamsuddin and Normah, Dura and Wahid, Rus dan Rushdi, Dato Azizan and Yam and Dato Lah came. There was nothing formal about our gathering. We joked and teased each other. There was so much laughter. Honestly there were moments that I could feel young again. Most of us had steaks, while most of the menfolk had grilled cod.

After our slow and easy dinner, we adjourned for our desserts at the lounge. Some of us wanted to sing and Dato Lah started his medley of dangdut songs. I was surprised to hear that Sam could render a number of lovely songs. So is Puan Sri Nabihah. Dura too sang well. I was getting nervous as they would soon request me to sing. I have not been singing for years. I braved myself singing my recent favourite, a song by M.Nasir, 'Kepada mu Kekasih'. Glad I managed to render it quite well. Then I sang my husband's favourite song all his life, ' when I fall in love' and when I sang that song I did it with all my feelings of love for him in my heart. Memories of our moments together flashed through my mind fleetingly.

We got carried away with enjoying the moments. We bade each other goodnite at 1.30 am and after getting ready, I finally slept at 2.30 tired but happy. A big thank you to my students.

Forever With Lots Of Love And Prayers For Allah's Blessings.