Moments of truth

On the 28th of January 2009, I had a medical appointment with my cardiologist. Before I saw him I had to do a full blood tests, an heart echo test, and a stress test.  I registered for all those tests at 1.30pm and finally  collected my medications at 5.30pm. It was all a very stressful experience. But I managed to handle my patience.

When I did my stress test after my echo my heart rate was already 120, a bit too high to begin the walking but I insisted on it not wanting to waste time. I managed to do up to stage 3 and my heart rate  reading was 160. I needed to reach  my optimum heart rate of 150, which is 220-71 (my age). So that was ok. But it was not the best of time to be doing any form of exercise.

When I saw the doctor, Dato' Dr Amin Ariff Nuruddin, he told me my blood tests were alright. Praise be to ALLAH. My LDL remained at a controlled level but my HDL was low. I suppose I have to watch my diet and be regular with my exercise regime. I am able to control my LDL because I take Flaxeed oil and BENECOL. My Trigiseleride was low due to the medication I am now taking. The overall cholesterol reading was 5.3 a hi normal. The blood sugar level was ok, kidney and liver functions were also ok. The other readings were good.

What I did not expect was what the doctor told me about my echo test. He said that it shows the beginnings of thickening of the heart muscles due to the blood pressure problems I have been having over the years, its been since 1995. The other reason is age. The other worrying news is my valve is also thickening and there could be a leak. Another worrying thing is my high heart beat rate. I have been feeling rather breathless going up the stairs lately. The doctor said I should not be alarmed by it. How do I go about strengthening my heart muscles  when the reason is age. I have to fully accept the fact that I am growing old, so my heart muscle is also ageing. That is the fact that I have to accept. With ALLAH's Blessings, I hope my heart valve would get stronger with the medications and the exercise regimes I am determined to incoperate  in my life.

I found that the cholesterol medication as well as the medication to lower my heart rate have the side effects of causing muscle pains. I have to be able to suffer through these muscle pains in oder for the medications to have effect. Its not much of a choice.

I can consider myself lucky for having such a blessed life other than those physical problems. I enjoy exercising, I enjoy good food, I enjoy learning The Quranic language, I enjoy teaching it to friends who come by to the house to learn, I ejoy the company of my children and grandchildren, I enjoy listening to music, I enjoy reading, watching television, meeting friends. In other words I enjoy life. I enjoy visiting new places. The best part part of it all I dont feel 71!

politics in the old days,(1957-1983)

This is a photo of my late father, Datuk Awang Ngah Ibrahim, at a function in Temerloh. The year I am not sure. My father is seen seated to the right of the second Prime Minister of Malaysia, Tun Abdul Razak bin Hussein, the gentleman seated in the centre in white attire and with spectacles. 

In the old days politics were much simpler. Aspirations of politicians were different. I am saying this as an observer. Even though my father was involved in politics, I was not. Never had a mind for it.

What I want to share today is in reference to a comment made last Sunday (25th January 2009) in one of the local newspapers about why the UMNO, the United Malay Organisation, the backbone party of The Barisan Nasional, the ruling party of Malaysia, lost in the Trengganu by-election earlier in the month. One of the reasons cited by the writer was the arrogance of the the UMNO campaigners. They were all staying in hotels and they were all busy talking about the coming March party elections. The opposition campaigners on the other hand, were staying with the voters at their homes or friends homes. So they were intimate and I suppose more endearing to the voters. When you eat and pray and sleep together, of course you could get much closer or feel much closer to the voters.

Now I remember during father's time of politics, it was like that. I remember people sleeping at our house, eating our foods, sharing our bathrooms and chit chatting in the living room of our home. I vividly remember one prominent politician from Johor, the late Datuk Syed Jaafar Albar, the late father of our Home MInister, Syed Hamid Albar, one day sleeping at our house. He slept in my father's room. We had only two bedrooms. He ate the foods that my mother cooked. As a small girl I saw him walking to the outside toilet the family shared with his towel over his shoulder. He bathed  in my father's bathroom. He was like a member of the family.

Its the small gestures, the personal gestures which I think the present politicians have forgotten to do. Of course in Temerloh then, there were no hotels! But then in these modern times, if the opposition can still  share those personal moments in the homes of voters, why should we share our times formally in the coffee houses of the hotels?

Raeyn, my second grandson born on 15Jan .

Hi Raeyn, this is a belated happy birthday wish to you. Your 5th birthday was on the 15th of January. Before I left Aberdeen and your family on the 8th of January 2009, I told you that I would give you 5 pound as a birthday present, you asked me then, "EmbahMak ada ke 5 pound tu?" Such an innocent question! When you received the  pound note you put it in a bottle as your mama says you can only buy the present later. You wanted your Papa to to toyserus, a toy shop ,  immediately!

You look real smart in this picture Raeyn. I know you cant wait to be 5 years old! You  were always asking me to play cards with you the moment you see me, just because you just learned how to play cards! You were getting to be smart at it and very observant of the cards that I dont have and then throwing those very cards to make sure I had to get more cards. You were very sporting too, happy to win , at the same time accepting the fact when you lose, by just saying "oh man!"

I enjoyed and cherish the moments when you slept with me cuddling and hugging me close. Before sleep you and Abang Afyq would recite the prayers. Very touching indeed!

I would always cherish the calendar you gave me which you made yourself in school. Its cute when you said you wished you could stay in PJ house  and go to school in Aberdeen. You did say you would like to follow me back to PJ house in Malaysia but you were anxious because EmbahAyah , you said,"he dont like me, always marah2 me"

I pray for God's Blessings for your life and may you grow up to be strong and healthy at heart as well as physically. May you up always to be full of gratitude for God's Blessings in your life. Happy Birthday to you again Raeyn (Lalen).

Growing old gracefully

This morning I visited my oldest aunty, Zaharah, my father's sister, who is today 91 years old. We call her Long. She suffers a weak heart because she has had hi cholesterol for many years and has been on medication for a very long time. A few ago she underwent angioplasty  but the smaller blood vesels, which were blocked could not be attended to. Over the years this has weakened her. The doctor prescribed for her Plavite, a blood thinning medication.

Besides that problem, she is ok. She still walks upright, her eyesight is ok, she can still read the Al Quran and watch the television. She still has appetite to eat. She wears nice clothes. And she enjoys talking about the daily political news. She is very alert as a social critique. 

She enjoys the religious knowledge from the Al Quran and Hadis2. She told me again this morning that she is fearful of death knowing that at her age it would come at any time. I reminded her that death comes at any time to just any of us, as only God knows when our time is up. I asked her why she is afraid of death. She said that it is because she is so afraid that God may not have forgiven her sins. I told her that honestly, everybody is afraid to die. So she is not alone in having that fear. But, maybe its good  for her to be hopeful and optimistic that God will forgive her her sins as long as she continues asking God for forgiveness.

It is so easy to feel  down at heart, and to complain of whatever shortcomings in one's life, especially if one lives alone with just a maid, in a big house but one cannot go upstairs because one can no longer climb the stairs. But then again, I reminded her that at least she is in her own house and having a maid! There are thousands out there who have to live with somebody or at an old folks' home with no one to take care of you.

So I gently ask her to count her blessings everyday, no matter how small the blessings are. She can still walk, pray standing, go to the toilets by herself, bathe herself, put on clothes by herself, can still have sound sleep at night, could still manage to wake up in the early hours of the morning to pray, enjoys eating, reading the Al Quran, watching the news on the television, enjoys her afternoon naps and  watching the beautiful flowers in her garden. Its quite a lot of blessings!

Today I went to IJN to have my blood test and at the lab I met a friend who I have not met for many, many years. She was married to my officer long time ago. Her husband passed away some years ago. 

I knew her as a very enterprising businesswoman. I remember her doing my husband's interior decoration. She was also doing furniture manufacturing. What surprised me this morning is that she was telling me  she is now into farming,  planting bananas,  and other fruits. She was just as enthusiastic as before in her new ventures.

I admire her enthusiasm. I felt tired even thinking about it, not really at my age anyway.

I wonder where she gets her energy! She must be nearly 70 years of age. I wished I could have the same level of energy. She is lucky she has two ladies who are staying with her.

I am sure  her passion for venturing into  new ventures, her optimism make all her ventures.

This photo is of Ayne and I taken on the 9th of December 2008, after we checked in at Kuala Lumpur International Airport on our way to Aberdeen. That was a month ago. Today she has settled down at Bellerbys College, Brighton, and today I am  going back to Malaysia this evening. That is what life is about, one day we are together, the next day we are are no longer together. But the memories stay........Now I am continuing writing this after a week of my return from Aberdeen.

Ayne is 17 years old and cant wait to be 18 to be eligible for a driving license. If only she knows  how stressful driving around nowadays especially if you are the one doing the driving. But of course to her it is the grown up thing!

At 17 she is much, much taller than I am! And she is still growing.

She has always been a very good girl. I feel very blessed to be able to see, experience and share her growing up years as she was brought to our house after her mama's delivery at the hospital. Until she went to a boarding school in Melaka, her family and us (my husband and I) stay under the same roof. I saw her growing up from a baby to a 12 year old completed her primary education at a school near our house.

I remember how when she was  hardly 3 years old, she could memorise the names of all the dinosers  in a book which I bought for her in an Oxfam charity shop.

Ayne is now  studying for her A level at Bellerbys' College. She is  studying  5 subjects. She is a very  ambitious and hard working girl. I pray to God that she has the will power to sustain her ambition and vision in life. I wish her all the best in life.

I miss having her around. I am accepting the fact that at certain point in our life we have to let go. It is easier said, but the feeling of sadness lingers on....

Shida's birthday today-4th January 2009.

Shida is seen in the photo on the right with her husband,my son, Radin Alang Iskandar. ..They have been married for 8 years.  

Today is Shidah's birthday. Happy birthday Shida.

Shida has over the years been very endearing to both , my husband and I. We feel very comfortable with her and do not hesitate whenever we need her to help us in attending to our chores. When we do things together we get closer to one another and somehow the bonding gets stronger.

Shida is a very practical girl. Anything to do with electronics, she is very good. So when my computer modem needs to be changed the first person that comes to mind is Shida. When my husband needed to get fishing gears, she knows where exactly to get them. When my bags got locked with the keys inside, Shida knows how to unlock.

She and my son Alang did'nt mind spending thieir anniversary with us when we went for a holiday at a resort island, north of Malaysia. a place called Perdu. We spent happy times there where she tried her hand at golf. We visited UK together and being a practical girl she compliment my son well with her skill at map reading and we managed to get around without any problems. We never got lost in London during our driving around. After my husband did the cooking, she would be doing all the  cleaning up.

We also in April 2007, toured New Zealand and we had a wonderful time driving around with her reading the map for directions. We shared the tasks of planning the holiday. I did all the accommodation reservations and Sheda the transport and schedule reservations. My husband did all the marketting and we cooked together. When we arrived at a certain place of accommodation she would first read the instructions of utility supplies and fixed the electricity and heater supplies.

She is not the first child in her family but the youngest child but she is so practical and independent. She is a very intelligent girl even though she does not have a degree. and what I noticed is that she is a very dedicated mother. She dots on her two kids, the first a boy of 4years and2 months and a daughter of 10 months. She reads to them , she plays with them and talks with them. She is also a very loving wife and even though she gets disappointed sometimes with her husband who tends to be forgetful, I know deep down , she loves him so.

So Shida, my dear daughter, I love you and a Happy birthday to you. May God Bless you and spare you much  heartaches in life.

what might have been.......if

At certain times of our life we make certain choices and then we live through that choice. I used to wonder  what would have happened if I had made quite another choice.

After  I got my O level Exam results in 1956, I had the choice of studying in the  United kingdom, a State scholarship for a course in Political science at the University of Manchester. The then  Chief Minister of my State, Pahang, in British Malaya then , the late Tun Abdul Razak, told my father, who was then an unofficial member of the state legislative assembly in the same state, that if I graduate in that course I could one day be his political secretary. Neither my father nor me understood the significance of that offer at that time. Maybe my father knew, but he was not telling me because he knew Malaya would in the following year be gaining its independence from the British. He was so fearful of me being so far away alone in a foreign land. So with his insistence partly, I made the choice of doing my A level locally and enrolled myself at Form Six in a school in Seremban, not so far away from home. My father refused for me to go to the Victoria Instition in Kuala Lumpur fearful for me to stay in a boarding school ,  in a big city. So he arranged for me to stay at a family home of a friend of my grandfather in Seremban, disallowing me to stay in a hostel there.

What might have happened if I had made the other choice and studied in England, meeting different sets of people and experiencing a different life?

The other thing is that, from a  very personal reason, I  already had a boyfriend and we were regularly writing. We could still write from wherever. My  eldest uncle, who was serving as the State Secretary, was very keen for me to go. My family had always hoped that me and my eldest cousin would get engaged. He was already studying in Dublin. My father was not serious about it as we were first paternal cousins. Anyway, if I had gone to England, I may not end up married to my present husband.

So there it is , God has a way of Guiding us all  in our life's paths. So I have no regrets, none whatsoever. I am very grateful for what my life is now. I am going to spend every moment of the year 2009 feeling the utmost gratitude for all my life's Blessings from God.

married life of 46 years

My husband and I got married on the 6th of December 1962. We knew each other before this for eight years. I was his junior in the university, in Singapore. We kept ourselves close by writing a lot of love letters to each other. Unfortunately, our love letters got lost in one of our several moving houses over the years. My husband was so good in writing letters. He expressed  his love for me better in letters than he ever could do in person. 

When i was a girl in school I used to silently prayed to God to let me have a good husband, one who is responsible and could take good care of me. Well, God answered my prayers. My husband turned out to be a very responsible person until today.

My husband takes very good care of me. He does all the marketing and buying all the provisions for the family. He even used to buy me clothes and jewellery. Even better he sometimes does the cooking especially when we entertain family members. Earlier in our marriage he even volunteered to pay my income tax and allowed me to keep to myself my salaries. I really feel very blessed with having someone so caring in my life.

As I said God answered my prayer , so He gave me a very responsible man for a life partner. So I cannot expect my man to be other than that. He is  not a  very sociable person and prefers the company of few close friends than a bigger social gatherings. He is rather shy with women and prefers to stay home and allows me to go and travel all over the world with friends. At the moment I am in Aberdeen visiting my daughter and her family while he stays home in Malaysia. He hates long distance travels. We remain in close contact via the phone SMS.

I know I am his only close friend. We play golf together, it used to be often but now mostly just once a week. He shares whatever he reads,(he reads all the serious stuff) and I tell him all about my travel adventures. Most of my friends are becoming his close friends too. We enjoy going out for lunches outside once or twice a week. He attends to his garden while I attend to my painting. I am currently doing oil paintings.

I think what sustain us all these years is that we have learned to accept one another as we are and not have any other expectations of each other. He allows me to be Me and I allow him to be Himself.

I pray that the year 2009 will continue to be agood year for the both of us.

New Year 2009 came in quietly for me. I did my late night prayers alone welcoming it as I am in Aberdeen with my daughter's family and my husband is back at home in Petaling Jaya, Malaysia. Earlier in the night I played two games of scrabble with my two grand daughters. I won one game and lost one. Not bad for a 71 year old grandma. Earlier also I had a series of card games with my 5 year old and my 3 year old grand daughter. I let them both win just to make them happy!

Before we retired for the night and after dinner my daughter and I watched two VDVs, entitled 'The Queen' and "The Firm", two old movies. It was fun and we remenisced  the earlier times when we watched the movie.

This morning woke up at 10.30 in the morning to a quiet cold morning. Just had brunch. 

Got to thinking and wondering what this year, 2009, is going to be like for me?

With the economic downturn, I wonder wether I should continue with my annual travels. I used to visit two countries in a year with my friends. The initial plans were we are going to do our small pilgrimage to Mecca in March and then to South Korea in May. In total I may have to spend about$3,000/. If I postpone the travels to better times I can save that money for better use. I have to seriously reconsider the decision.

I also hope I shall be doing much more teaching of the Quranic Arabic language to my friends and family members. Currently I have about 10 students which I do every afternoon, for six days a week. Mornings I devote to attending classes to enhance my understanding of the Quran.

I have for one year neglected my painting hobby. Maybe Ishould devote sometime to my oil paintings again. For one whole year I have neglected my golf , a game I used to play with my husband once a week. I stopped because I hurt my elbow. Its now healed, and maybe I can go back to it. For some months now I have stopped seriously exercising, doing the the treadmill and stuff. May be I should start doing the exercises again. I just have been doing yoga 5 times a week and for the last 3 weeks I have stopped even that.

Thats a lot of resolutions and wonderings!